Random Thoughts...Not So Random...

Some years ago, i felt as tho i was just a substitute for someone else. And that no matter how hard i tried, i will still not be the one she loves the most. But i kept trying. Till one day, i hurt her in ways i never wanted to. Regret came into my life that instant. 365 days a year, i would question myself. Even till today. Although forgiveness was given but i have yet to forgive myself. Maybe i am being too hard on myself and driving myself into a corner.

One can always paint beautiful pictures of the future for others. But i wonder how true are they. One can question themselves if they had gotten over certain things but does one really get over it? Or most of the time it is just forgotten? Or placed somewhere in one's memory only to be 'revived' again by certain incidents, place, time, name or event?

I thought i had moved on years ago. But i find myself face to face with the same question that was and will never be answered. How much does she love you? But love can never be measured. So one starts to wonder. When she comes face to face with the one(s) whom she had once imagined or yearned for a relationship with. Will she still hold your hand and say "i have you now. There is nothing more that i want." or will she turn and run away from all these?

Now i question myself. Have i really left all my past, hurts and fears behind me? Or have i just simply thrown them to the back of my head and stuck a piece of 'KIV' on them all? Maybe the only way for me to really let go is to come face to face with the people from which my fear stems. I will have to start to learn how to trust again. Fear is only as great as one makes it.